departure sounds better than breakup [nov 07 2007, 22:01]
crossroads, all around, up ahead.
i'm walking a path i haven't walked before, not knowing where i'll end up. i know there will be junctions, more than one way to go and which one i'll take is entirely up to me.
i have recently secured my job. it means that i decide when to leave and not anybody else, just me. and that's scary, just as every kind of change is. but most frightening of them all are the changes you have to make yourself.
so, now there are the questions of when, how, where, all the stuff i never really had to worry about (but still did) and somewhere, deep down, i know i'll probably be alright but at the same time...
at the same time i look back, back along the winding path that my feet and my heart know so well, i listen to the music of two years ago and i'm back there, right back there where i felt so lost and lonely and unsure about where to go, what to do. i was sure that i was unhappy, even pathologically so, but i was unsure where it was coming from or how to change it.
there was a clue, a hint, and i followed it, followed it with all my heart and crushed it, again and again, against the tree of life, driving with closed eyes and an open mind. and after the crash there was a reckoning and counting of days and hearts and a decision was made. and it was good.
heck, it still is. i wouldn't want it any different (and, no, even now there is no tiny voice saying anything else like there usually is). it's just that i'm a pretty messed-up person. i'm a nitpick when it's about other people and a giant nitpick when it's about myself. i intentionally misunderstand things (or the little voice does), i read gestures, expressions, wording, and draw wrong conclusions like i always do.
and although i did, although i mustered up all the strength i could find, although i stood up and finally, once and for all, said what i felt, it hasn't become any easier. and in the dark hours of the soul, in those times when light is rare and the shadows are many, i wonder whether anything has changed since then, about me.
but there are no answers. anywhere. there's just a memory of being a certain way and having that expressed in beautiful words found by pure accident doesn't make it any easier to comprehend the things inside myself.
change will come.
charon
i'm walking a path i haven't walked before, not knowing where i'll end up. i know there will be junctions, more than one way to go and which one i'll take is entirely up to me.
i have recently secured my job. it means that i decide when to leave and not anybody else, just me. and that's scary, just as every kind of change is. but most frightening of them all are the changes you have to make yourself.
so, now there are the questions of when, how, where, all the stuff i never really had to worry about (but still did) and somewhere, deep down, i know i'll probably be alright but at the same time...
at the same time i look back, back along the winding path that my feet and my heart know so well, i listen to the music of two years ago and i'm back there, right back there where i felt so lost and lonely and unsure about where to go, what to do. i was sure that i was unhappy, even pathologically so, but i was unsure where it was coming from or how to change it.
there was a clue, a hint, and i followed it, followed it with all my heart and crushed it, again and again, against the tree of life, driving with closed eyes and an open mind. and after the crash there was a reckoning and counting of days and hearts and a decision was made. and it was good.
heck, it still is. i wouldn't want it any different (and, no, even now there is no tiny voice saying anything else like there usually is). it's just that i'm a pretty messed-up person. i'm a nitpick when it's about other people and a giant nitpick when it's about myself. i intentionally misunderstand things (or the little voice does), i read gestures, expressions, wording, and draw wrong conclusions like i always do.
and although i did, although i mustered up all the strength i could find, although i stood up and finally, once and for all, said what i felt, it hasn't become any easier. and in the dark hours of the soul, in those times when light is rare and the shadows are many, i wonder whether anything has changed since then, about me.
but there are no answers. anywhere. there's just a memory of being a certain way and having that expressed in beautiful words found by pure accident doesn't make it any easier to comprehend the things inside myself.
Wie jede Blüte welktgoodbye to what?
und jede Jugend dem Alter weicht,
blüht jede Lebensstufe,
blüht jede Weisheit auch und jede Tugend
zu ihrer Zeit und darf nicht ewig dauern.
Es muss das Herz bei jedem Lebensrufe
bereit zum Abschied sein und Neubeginne,
um sich in Tapferkeit und ohne Trauern
in and're, neue Bindungen zu geben.
Und jedem Anfang wohnt ein Zauber inne,
der uns beschützt und der uns hilft zu leben.
Wir sollen heiter Raum um Raum durchschreiten,
an keinem wie an einer Heimat hängen,
der Weltgeist will nicht fesseln uns und engen,
er will uns Stuf' um Stufe heben, weiten!
Kaum sind wir heimisch einem Lebenskreise
und traulich eingewohnt,
so droht Erschlaffen!
Nur wer bereit zu Aufbruch ist und Reise,
mag lähmender Gewohnheit sich entraffen.
Es wird vielleicht auch noch die Todesstunde
uns neuen Räumen jung entgegen senden:
des Lebens Ruf an uns wird niemals enden.
Wohlan denn, Herz, nimm Abschied und gesunde!
change will come.
charon