i was here mere seconds ago [jun 19 2007, 11:16]
time passes.
things happen.
more things happen.
and now i'm here. i'm the one i am, who i turned out to be.
yesterday night, a line popped into my head and then another and another until it was a song, a new one, one that described how i became who i am now. i remember being that scared, timid kid that believed, truly believed that nobody actually liked him for who he was but potentially for what he did.
sohe i started doing things people wanted. i started working hard to ensure that this status of reliability, of unconditional self-sacrifice remained and that nobody ever had a reason to doubt that.
and it was crazy. i bottled up everything that i believed was me showing a weakness, was me not giving a hundred percent for others. i hid things, kept secrets (more secrets than even i would have realized until now) from myself and from the world – just for show, for image.
and it worked. people accepted me, not for who they thought i was but for what i did for them. ah, perhaps accepted is the wrong word, they knew they could count on me. always.
until things crashed. until it was all too much and i had to relieve pressure. until i stopped saying yes.
honestly, i haven't really said no to a great deal of people. if you ask me for help, i probably will say yes, knowing that it's not the smartest thing to do.
i've conditioned myself to a point where declining a request is not simply rude or unfriendly but entirely not an option. that's who i am, that's who i've become.
but i'm working on it, i'm working on accepting who i am and accepting, truly realizing that, whatever i do, not everybody will like me. that's a fact and that's good. some people will hate me however i try to please them.
it took a lot of years, a lot of pain and a great human being to get me started making the first steps.
thanks.
charon
ps: just so you know, i passed my exams. now i'm a certified fachinformatiker (systemintegration). i was told that having such a cliffhanger on the site was not a nice thing to do
pps: an area of this site which i started but never really filled with content is about to be revived. i'm still pondering the details but things will happen.
things happen.
more things happen.
and now i'm here. i'm the one i am, who i turned out to be.
yesterday night, a line popped into my head and then another and another until it was a song, a new one, one that described how i became who i am now. i remember being that scared, timid kid that believed, truly believed that nobody actually liked him for who he was but potentially for what he did.
so
and it was crazy. i bottled up everything that i believed was me showing a weakness, was me not giving a hundred percent for others. i hid things, kept secrets (more secrets than even i would have realized until now) from myself and from the world – just for show, for image.
and it worked. people accepted me, not for who they thought i was but for what i did for them. ah, perhaps accepted is the wrong word, they knew they could count on me. always.
until things crashed. until it was all too much and i had to relieve pressure. until i stopped saying yes.
honestly, i haven't really said no to a great deal of people. if you ask me for help, i probably will say yes, knowing that it's not the smartest thing to do.
i've conditioned myself to a point where declining a request is not simply rude or unfriendly but entirely not an option. that's who i am, that's who i've become.
but i'm working on it, i'm working on accepting who i am and accepting, truly realizing that, whatever i do, not everybody will like me. that's a fact and that's good. some people will hate me however i try to please them.
it took a lot of years, a lot of pain and a great human being to get me started making the first steps.
thanks.
charon
ps: just so you know, i passed my exams. now i'm a certified fachinformatiker (systemintegration). i was told that having such a cliffhanger on the site was not a nice thing to do
pps: an area of this site which i started but never really filled with content is about to be revived. i'm still pondering the details but things will happen.