i just read a great line, one of those where i'm wondering why it wasn't me who wrote it:

i still don't know whether i'm leaving or arriving

that's it. that's me right now. i don't know.
i don't even know whether it's clearly definable which of the two is actually happening. both are equally frightening and equally promising...
the pendulum is swinging again.
yesterday was one of the best days in a very long time. i'm not entirely sure why... perhaps it was because i felt productive again after a long, long time. maybe it was because a recording session went extraordinary well. maybe it was because the sun was shining. maybe it was because i had three hours of sleep the night before. maybe it was because of the reason for me only having three hours of sleep... i don't know. but it was awesome.
it was great to be where i felt i couldn't go anymore, where i felt i didn't belong. no nagging feelings, no pondering, no regrets. just pure goodness.
and today... it's strange again – and so horribly familiar. i'm back where i belong, back at the place i know so well. doubt, a lot of doubt.
and there's no safety net now. if i lose, i lose it all and right now, there's nothing to catch me.
i keep telling myself that i can win, that things might actually for once turn out the way i'd want them to.
but on a day like today it's hard to believe they will.
i'm scared of falling asleep because the dreams of you might come back.
charon

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