things change. people change. sometimes for the worse, sometimes for the better.
i keep trying to think. clearly. in an objective manner. i try to separate egoism from niceness. i try to say what she needs to hear and not only what i need to say.
i've never been an egocentric kind of guy. i've always, always put other people's needs ahead of mine, always given in, never been thinking about wwhat i want. need.
i figured it out. and it isn't much. and it's there. right in front of my nose. and nothing you could say could change that. because i'm sure. goddamnit, once in my life i'm sure. bad days turn good and good days turn awesome. you can't tell me i'm imagining things! fuck!
but i can't just walk up to you and make you make a decision. sometimes, i hate being this kind of guy but that is who i am. i can't make you. i can't push you. i never could.
and with every passing day it gets me a little more. wondering a little more. guessing a little more. imagining a little more.
and now, right now i actually am where i imagined being two years ago: in the place where i can't change anything. back then, i believed it was like that, now i know.
and it sucks.
and it hurts.
and i know it's the only way.
and i know you're worth it.
charon

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