reflections
[feb 20 2007, 10:53]
quite often it's good to get a bit of time between yourself and something that's happened. it gives you the opportunity to consider things again, without the hassle of immediate emotions which might cloud any reasonable thought. it allows you to take a step back and go through all the things that were said, one by one, to fully understand what it all meant.
jolly good.
i talked about a lot of things that needed talking about yesterday. i was scared beyond belief before i did and i was scared beyond belief while i did but i didn't back out, no, this being 2007, the year of change. a year ago, i wouldn't have been able to talk this openly about such things. yesterday i was.
it's funny, you picture these situations, how everything might be, how she might react and what she might say. what happened was one of the options i considered and the one... well, i would say that it ranked somewhere near the bottom of the available options.
she said she had no idea. heh. so much for certainty, so much for empathy. fuck.
she said things were difficult at the moment. i knew that.
she said there was too much history, too much to remember to give up. i know how that feels. fuck.
and then we walked and we talked and in the end she asked whether it'd be okay for her to call me occasionally. i said sure. what else should i have said?
so, the giant uncertainty has been gradually replaced by... hm, i'm not sure yet. what it told me was that i, yet again, can't really trust myself interpreting reality around me. i usually can trust myself when it comes to people but that particular skill seems to be less developed when i'm dealing with women.
what yesterday will change... what it will do to me... i don't know. i guess, i'll have to wait and see, as usual.
quite often it sucks to get a bit of time between yourself and something that's happened. the adrenaline is gone, the exhilaration has dispersed and all that's left is the weak feeling that something actually went rather wrong. it lets you reconsider things and, in my case, lead to the more bleak conclusions, now that the mind is supposedly thinking more clearly.
i don't know if it is.
i didn't get to finish any of the stuff i meant to do yesterday night. instead i watched big fish and finally, for the first time, i was able to properly appreciate the movie by weeping myself through one of the most beautiful endings in the history of movies. i'm still frightfully close to breaking since then, alarmingly near the brink.
one of the most beautiful endings in the history of movies is a fairytale ending. even inside the movie.
i should've known.
charon, deep down
jolly good.
i talked about a lot of things that needed talking about yesterday. i was scared beyond belief before i did and i was scared beyond belief while i did but i didn't back out, no, this being 2007, the year of change. a year ago, i wouldn't have been able to talk this openly about such things. yesterday i was.
it's funny, you picture these situations, how everything might be, how she might react and what she might say. what happened was one of the options i considered and the one... well, i would say that it ranked somewhere near the bottom of the available options.
she said she had no idea. heh. so much for certainty, so much for empathy. fuck.
she said things were difficult at the moment. i knew that.
she said there was too much history, too much to remember to give up. i know how that feels. fuck.
and then we walked and we talked and in the end she asked whether it'd be okay for her to call me occasionally. i said sure. what else should i have said?
so, the giant uncertainty has been gradually replaced by... hm, i'm not sure yet. what it told me was that i, yet again, can't really trust myself interpreting reality around me. i usually can trust myself when it comes to people but that particular skill seems to be less developed when i'm dealing with women.
what yesterday will change... what it will do to me... i don't know. i guess, i'll have to wait and see, as usual.
quite often it sucks to get a bit of time between yourself and something that's happened. the adrenaline is gone, the exhilaration has dispersed and all that's left is the weak feeling that something actually went rather wrong. it lets you reconsider things and, in my case, lead to the more bleak conclusions, now that the mind is supposedly thinking more clearly.
i don't know if it is.
i didn't get to finish any of the stuff i meant to do yesterday night. instead i watched big fish and finally, for the first time, i was able to properly appreciate the movie by weeping myself through one of the most beautiful endings in the history of movies. i'm still frightfully close to breaking since then, alarmingly near the brink.
one of the most beautiful endings in the history of movies is a fairytale ending. even inside the movie.
i should've known.
charon, deep down