promise me the future will be better
[jul 31 2006, 22:36]
a sky and a cloud and a star... a streetlight somewhere, yes, sure, strange animals making strange sounds, yes, sure, but i don't care about all that right now. i've got a notebook on my lap, starsailor in my ears and in my head and a bottle of beer beside me.
now, things are calm.
they weren't, before. a couple of words, a long silence, some waiting and some understanding. and suddenly, just like that, the idea, the master plan, the way to live my life was gone, vanished, fallen apart into a thousand little pieces that all, one by one, hit me like hot burning needles.
i won't. i can't. deep down, i already knew. i knew, of course i did, i'm not that stupid. but i didn't want to believe, i couldn't believe.
and thinking of the fact that the only reason for me staying there was the confirmation, the safety, the assurance...
money. it's all that matters. not enough money for me. to keep me. a couple of months and then, goodbye safety, goodbye plans.
hello world? yeah, maybe. all day long i thought about what was ultimately keeping me around here. i know things, sure, i know people, sure, but both have, besides being pretty good to have, at least in the back of your head, been the cause of most of my problems lately.
perhaps i need a change in furniture. in my head.
and then people ask me whether i've got problems. no, i don't. i'm fine. don't worry. fuck.
makebelieve.
yesterday i thought "fuck, and to think that you seriously considered taking the short way out just because of a fucking stupid bitch, you don't just give everything up because of a girl that doesn't want you."
today i thought "and what about a girl, a job and a fucked up life?"
ah, that's just the stupid drunk fucker in my writing, don't worry. i wouldn't be straight enough to just do it. i couldn't.
although, sometimes, i wonder what people would say if they found out that the only straight thing i ever did in my whole strange existence was ending the very same. not 'wow, let's see' wondering but academic wondering...
let's make an experiment, shall we?
let's make this entry yellow.
and let's see what happens.
i've got to finish the script first – that's something that pops into my head right now. i've got to finish the script and i've got to record an album. the straw. perhaps that's what will pull me over. and perhaps, by then, it'll be all bright again.
haha.
charon
now, things are calm.
they weren't, before. a couple of words, a long silence, some waiting and some understanding. and suddenly, just like that, the idea, the master plan, the way to live my life was gone, vanished, fallen apart into a thousand little pieces that all, one by one, hit me like hot burning needles.
i won't. i can't. deep down, i already knew. i knew, of course i did, i'm not that stupid. but i didn't want to believe, i couldn't believe.
and thinking of the fact that the only reason for me staying there was the confirmation, the safety, the assurance...
money. it's all that matters. not enough money for me. to keep me. a couple of months and then, goodbye safety, goodbye plans.
hello world? yeah, maybe. all day long i thought about what was ultimately keeping me around here. i know things, sure, i know people, sure, but both have, besides being pretty good to have, at least in the back of your head, been the cause of most of my problems lately.
perhaps i need a change in furniture. in my head.
and then people ask me whether i've got problems. no, i don't. i'm fine. don't worry. fuck.
makebelieve.
yesterday i thought "fuck, and to think that you seriously considered taking the short way out just because of a fucking stupid bitch, you don't just give everything up because of a girl that doesn't want you."
today i thought "and what about a girl, a job and a fucked up life?"
ah, that's just the stupid drunk fucker in my writing, don't worry. i wouldn't be straight enough to just do it. i couldn't.
although, sometimes, i wonder what people would say if they found out that the only straight thing i ever did in my whole strange existence was ending the very same. not 'wow, let's see' wondering but academic wondering...
let's make an experiment, shall we?
let's make this entry yellow.
and let's see what happens.
i've got to finish the script first – that's something that pops into my head right now. i've got to finish the script and i've got to record an album. the straw. perhaps that's what will pull me over. and perhaps, by then, it'll be all bright again.
haha.
charon