101 ways to fuck this up
[jul 23 2006, 23:16]
first of all, let me say that i'm sorry. i really am.
for quite a long time this diary has mainly consisted of me rambling about how fucked up things are and how i'm unable to change anything about it.
sorry i'm not fun at the moment but i have to be fun all day long, i have to be nice, friendly and comforting and then, at the end of the day, when i'm here listening to the lament for eoin rua, it all flows back to me.
but that's really not the thing i wanted to write about although it directly has to do with it.
so, i'll try to make this the last post like this for a while. i'll try to distill all this mess into these few words. please read them if you've got a minute to spare because i might mean you with some of the things i'll write. maybe i won't.
about three or four years ago i hated having to answer the phone. people called me every day, asking for advice about what program to use, asking for assistance with the dvd they wanted to copy, wondering why their computer keeps crashing so often.
sure it's nice to be depended upon, but it really got out of hand. i spent hours and hours a day troubleshooting other people's problems (only tech-related of course) and besides school and some minor other activities, that was my day.
now that's changed and a part of me is grateful for that. i still deal with people's pc-related problems every day but now i can declare it at work, i get money for it and after eight to nine hours a day, i can call it quits, get out of there and think about something else.
but between work and all the mentioned minor other activities, there is room right now, room i'm not used to. i'm pretty stressed out when i get home from work but still, even when you're just lying in bed watching a movie, there's time for you to think.
and that's what i do. think. i used to think about the past a lot, about what happened to me and how these things have affected the person i am today. i feel i could have been much worse but sometimes i wish...
sometimes i want to be outgoing. i tend to take all my problems and pile them up inside my chest so people don't see them when they look at me. i take everything that's not friendly or nice or comfortable and i stuff it so deep into the dark places inside myself that even for me it's hard to get to them if i ever need to.
and this is not because i'm afraid to tell people, this is not because i want to be a lonely lunatic. it's because i don't burden people. i never do. when i want to go somewhere, i check whether people i know go too and if they don't, i'll arrange something for myself or won't go. i'd never ask anyone to take me somewhere.
when i've got a task at hand, at work or anywhere else, i always try to break it up so i'm able to solve it by myself and don't need to ask others, not because i want to do all this by myself but because i keep thinking that they probably have better things to do.
and that's probably the root of it all.
this is quite a fucked up situation if you actually do need help, when you do need some advice or you do need someone to talk to. i know a lot of people who would listen almost unconditionally but the barrier for me asking them has been, by habit, set to high that i can't get over it.
and now this is such a time. i'm back in a situation where i'm not sure whether i'm overinterpreting things (either way), having had a crush on a girl that seems to lead nowhere, having decided to give it up, having a heart that doesn't follow this decision and shitting my pants every time i think about her.
i need to tell someone, i need reassurance that it isn't me, that it's not me who's so fucked up that he can't find someone to understand.
it takes a lot of patience with me. i'm not that great, i'm not that special, i'm no good talker, i'm the listener who sits there and nods and thinks his part but doesn't know anything comforting to say, i'm not the one you all think i am.
i'm not the one i think i am.
and all this mess turns originally great saturdays into sources of constant anguish. and i hate it this way. walk on or do something.
i guess i was wrong.
charon
for quite a long time this diary has mainly consisted of me rambling about how fucked up things are and how i'm unable to change anything about it.
sorry i'm not fun at the moment but i have to be fun all day long, i have to be nice, friendly and comforting and then, at the end of the day, when i'm here listening to the lament for eoin rua, it all flows back to me.
but that's really not the thing i wanted to write about although it directly has to do with it.
so, i'll try to make this the last post like this for a while. i'll try to distill all this mess into these few words. please read them if you've got a minute to spare because i might mean you with some of the things i'll write. maybe i won't.
about three or four years ago i hated having to answer the phone. people called me every day, asking for advice about what program to use, asking for assistance with the dvd they wanted to copy, wondering why their computer keeps crashing so often.
sure it's nice to be depended upon, but it really got out of hand. i spent hours and hours a day troubleshooting other people's problems (only tech-related of course) and besides school and some minor other activities, that was my day.
now that's changed and a part of me is grateful for that. i still deal with people's pc-related problems every day but now i can declare it at work, i get money for it and after eight to nine hours a day, i can call it quits, get out of there and think about something else.
but between work and all the mentioned minor other activities, there is room right now, room i'm not used to. i'm pretty stressed out when i get home from work but still, even when you're just lying in bed watching a movie, there's time for you to think.
and that's what i do. think. i used to think about the past a lot, about what happened to me and how these things have affected the person i am today. i feel i could have been much worse but sometimes i wish...
sometimes i want to be outgoing. i tend to take all my problems and pile them up inside my chest so people don't see them when they look at me. i take everything that's not friendly or nice or comfortable and i stuff it so deep into the dark places inside myself that even for me it's hard to get to them if i ever need to.
and this is not because i'm afraid to tell people, this is not because i want to be a lonely lunatic. it's because i don't burden people. i never do. when i want to go somewhere, i check whether people i know go too and if they don't, i'll arrange something for myself or won't go. i'd never ask anyone to take me somewhere.
when i've got a task at hand, at work or anywhere else, i always try to break it up so i'm able to solve it by myself and don't need to ask others, not because i want to do all this by myself but because i keep thinking that they probably have better things to do.
and that's probably the root of it all.
this is quite a fucked up situation if you actually do need help, when you do need some advice or you do need someone to talk to. i know a lot of people who would listen almost unconditionally but the barrier for me asking them has been, by habit, set to high that i can't get over it.
and now this is such a time. i'm back in a situation where i'm not sure whether i'm overinterpreting things (either way), having had a crush on a girl that seems to lead nowhere, having decided to give it up, having a heart that doesn't follow this decision and shitting my pants every time i think about her.
i need to tell someone, i need reassurance that it isn't me, that it's not me who's so fucked up that he can't find someone to understand.
it takes a lot of patience with me. i'm not that great, i'm not that special, i'm no good talker, i'm the listener who sits there and nods and thinks his part but doesn't know anything comforting to say, i'm not the one you all think i am.
i'm not the one i think i am.
and all this mess turns originally great saturdays into sources of constant anguish. and i hate it this way. walk on or do something.
i'm not going to lose it this time.i wrote that at the end of june.
i'm not going to lose.
i guess i was wrong.
charon