what i want
[jul 19 2006, 23:14]
i want to be left alone but i want to tell someone. i want to be silent for the rest of my life, say nothing at all, ever again because now it feels like all i could ever say would be meaningless babble (no, not because of that moronic grin, not at all) but i want to shout it out into the world, into the face of the world that it sucks big time, that i hate it the way it is.
[i always tell people that i haven't slept more than three or four hours a night for the last couple of weeks. i also tell them that it's because of that damn heat. one of these is true.]
i want it to end. i want everything to be over, to shut up, to be done with, finished, me, to be gone, somewhere else, anywhere else, with a different night time sky where not every single star is a reminder of what could have and was not and should (not). i want to give it all up, stand up and see the world before the big clock finally knocks me out of my shoes into the soft warm sand. i want to go. but i want to stay, to be, to get, to feel, to have, to know.
[when i'm sitting outside, watching the sky, i can't really see the stars. and i don't want to. and i don't need to. i just need to know they're there.]
i want you to know. i want you to see. i want to sit and i want the salty water of thoughts leak out of my eyes and i want you to see. i want you to know what you did, what you do. i want to be able to hate you for it. but i want it to be good, to be alright, to work out, to suddenly change, me to suddenly change, i don't care.
[i can clearly remember the last time i've felt that way. i can reconstruct every tidbit, every line of every poem i've written. but maybe because of merciful selective memory or simply because of facts – it wasn't like this. not at all.]
i want to disperse into sky harbour. into the thirteen minutes when there's only voices, meaningless voices but calming ones, and then, this very moment, where first the drums set in, then some more, then a little bit more, now, every minute, right now, wait for it, now, there it is, there it is, it's back, it is. i want to be in there for the rest of eternity or at least the rest of my life. i want to never have to come out again. i want to be on the grass under the sky with nothing on my mind other than which direction to turn, down the road or up the road, but where it fucking doesn't matter.
i want to know, i want to get it, i want to understand.
[really?]
i want to accept, i want to give up, i want to surrender.
[suffer?]
i can see it works. it's bound to. humanity as a concept, as a species works and currently i'm given curious examples what does work every single day.
and i'm sitting there with my jaw on the ground. no, not you. someone else.
this is all you get. if it's not enough for you then this is the way it is. perhaps it's reached my guts now so they don't squirm every time he says we.
fuck.
charon
[i always tell people that i haven't slept more than three or four hours a night for the last couple of weeks. i also tell them that it's because of that damn heat. one of these is true.]
i want it to end. i want everything to be over, to shut up, to be done with, finished, me, to be gone, somewhere else, anywhere else, with a different night time sky where not every single star is a reminder of what could have and was not and should (not). i want to give it all up, stand up and see the world before the big clock finally knocks me out of my shoes into the soft warm sand. i want to go. but i want to stay, to be, to get, to feel, to have, to know.
[when i'm sitting outside, watching the sky, i can't really see the stars. and i don't want to. and i don't need to. i just need to know they're there.]
i want you to know. i want you to see. i want to sit and i want the salty water of thoughts leak out of my eyes and i want you to see. i want you to know what you did, what you do. i want to be able to hate you for it. but i want it to be good, to be alright, to work out, to suddenly change, me to suddenly change, i don't care.
[i can clearly remember the last time i've felt that way. i can reconstruct every tidbit, every line of every poem i've written. but maybe because of merciful selective memory or simply because of facts – it wasn't like this. not at all.]
i want to disperse into sky harbour. into the thirteen minutes when there's only voices, meaningless voices but calming ones, and then, this very moment, where first the drums set in, then some more, then a little bit more, now, every minute, right now, wait for it, now, there it is, there it is, it's back, it is. i want to be in there for the rest of eternity or at least the rest of my life. i want to never have to come out again. i want to be on the grass under the sky with nothing on my mind other than which direction to turn, down the road or up the road, but where it fucking doesn't matter.
i want to know, i want to get it, i want to understand.
[really?]
i want to accept, i want to give up, i want to surrender.
[suffer?]
i can see it works. it's bound to. humanity as a concept, as a species works and currently i'm given curious examples what does work every single day.
and i'm sitting there with my jaw on the ground. no, not you. someone else.
well, you're just across the streetjimmy eat world - kill
looks a mile to my feet
i want to go to you
funny how i'm nervous still
i've always been the easy kill
i guess i always will
could it be that everything goes 'round by chance?
or only one way that it was always meant to be?
you kill me, you always know the perfect thing to say
i know what i should do, but i just can't walk away
i can picture your face well
from the bar in my hotel
i wish i'd go to you
i pick up put down the phone
like your favorite heatmiser song goes
it's just like being alone
oh god, please don't tell me this has been in vain
i need answers for what all the waiting i've done means
you kill me, you've got some nerve, but can't face your mistakes
i know what i should do, but i just can't turn away
so go on love
leave while there's still hope for escape
got to take what you can these days
there's so much ahead
so much regret
i know what you want to say
i know it but can't help feeling differently
i loved you, and i should have said it
but tell me just what has it ever meant
i can't help it baby, this is who i am
sorry, but i can't just go turn off how i feel
you kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break
i know what I should do, but I just can't walk away
this is all you get. if it's not enough for you then this is the way it is. perhaps it's reached my guts now so they don't squirm every time he says we.
fuck.
charon