close
[jun 16 2006, 23:02]
i'm getting close. it's now been the better part of a year and i'm getting really close to reaching a decision. either way, it's absolutely fucked up. i'm the ass, whatever i do and i'm the ass if i do nothing. that's the way it is, as i understand it.
don't misunderstand me, i'm a patient guy. i've learned to take my own wishes and needs back and put everyone else forth. that works for me. i can't say that i'm happy with it but it's been... bearable. when i work hard and other people get the praise – well, then that's just the way it is.
but even my patience has its limits. and they've almost been reached.
i've fucked up things like this before. in the first case, after greatness there came turmoil and as i couldn't let go, there came silence from which i'm (we are) now recovering, lots of years later. the second thing also started a couple of years ago and ended rather painfully (after the usual strain of waiting and hoping and despairing and overjoying and hearts breaking) and i (we) still haven't recovered and i doubt whether we ever will.
and ignoring all the small stuff, all the now unimportant stuff that has happened in between, here i am again, for the third time. and i'm sick of waiting.
but what if i don't want to wait anymore? talking has fucked things up big time. it cleared everything up that didn't really need clearing up and threw everything back.
should i try again? should i risk everything? put all my eggs into one basket? jeopardize everything that's been built over the years, everything that i (come to think of it) live for? those little precious moments that don't mean anything to you but that mean the world to me? give them up? risk them?
even the prospect makes me shiver. i can't. i won't.
turn away or stay staring? the world or you?
the world or you?
charon
don't misunderstand me, i'm a patient guy. i've learned to take my own wishes and needs back and put everyone else forth. that works for me. i can't say that i'm happy with it but it's been... bearable. when i work hard and other people get the praise – well, then that's just the way it is.
but even my patience has its limits. and they've almost been reached.
i've fucked up things like this before. in the first case, after greatness there came turmoil and as i couldn't let go, there came silence from which i'm (we are) now recovering, lots of years later. the second thing also started a couple of years ago and ended rather painfully (after the usual strain of waiting and hoping and despairing and overjoying and hearts breaking) and i (we) still haven't recovered and i doubt whether we ever will.
and ignoring all the small stuff, all the now unimportant stuff that has happened in between, here i am again, for the third time. and i'm sick of waiting.
but what if i don't want to wait anymore? talking has fucked things up big time. it cleared everything up that didn't really need clearing up and threw everything back.
should i try again? should i risk everything? put all my eggs into one basket? jeopardize everything that's been built over the years, everything that i (come to think of it) live for? those little precious moments that don't mean anything to you but that mean the world to me? give them up? risk them?
even the prospect makes me shiver. i can't. i won't.
turn away or stay staring? the world or you?
the world or you?
charon