words make no difference
[apr 16 2005, 20:18]
do you know that feeling when everything you see, everything you hear, every single sensation appears filtered through something like milky glass so that everything only reaches you distorted, shallow and feeble, hardly recognizable?
do you know that feeling when everything around you shrinks into nothingness, becomes absolutely unimportant and, ultimately, slips from your grasp?
do you know that feeling when the things you used to enjoy, the things that brought peace of mind, relaxation, the notion that everything somehow is going to be alright to your hurt and cowered self suddenly are not there anymore, when they don't satisfy?
do you know how it feels being like butter scraped over too much bread? like there is too much world for you to cope with, too much happening to filter out the important stuff, to do the right things, make the right decisions, walk the right paths?
well, if you don't - lucky you.
even writing, often used to compensate for lack of talk, does not really help anymore. there is a nice project i'm thinking about that requires me to do a lot of writing (which i do and which i enjoy really much) but it does not clear my head like writing here used to do. but the problem is there being just a limited number of words in my head for every single day, so when i wrote some stuff for the project, talked to about 762779 people to assist them with their problems (does anybody in this world want anything else from me? yes, one [that i know of]) and managed to get through the minimum amount of daily conversation, my head is just empty. there is nothing left to put in here when i've got some time to sit down, relax and edit my diary.
many things fall apart right now, with people moving, people losing contact, people... changing... and when in such a phase the company you work at announces that because of substancial losses over the last two years, a cooperation with another huge company will be started to reduce administrative overhead and clean up the departments not directly related to patients (us), your head is spinning and your feet that lost ground long ago can't really compensate.
satisfaction. that's the feeling when...
i said it already but i'm in dire need of a leave, for some time off, off work, off routine, off pcs, off... people.
i'm about to ask some people i barely know whether they will go to ireland this year and whether they'll take me.
bravery.
strange.
charon
do you know that feeling when everything around you shrinks into nothingness, becomes absolutely unimportant and, ultimately, slips from your grasp?
do you know that feeling when the things you used to enjoy, the things that brought peace of mind, relaxation, the notion that everything somehow is going to be alright to your hurt and cowered self suddenly are not there anymore, when they don't satisfy?
do you know how it feels being like butter scraped over too much bread? like there is too much world for you to cope with, too much happening to filter out the important stuff, to do the right things, make the right decisions, walk the right paths?
well, if you don't - lucky you.
even writing, often used to compensate for lack of talk, does not really help anymore. there is a nice project i'm thinking about that requires me to do a lot of writing (which i do and which i enjoy really much) but it does not clear my head like writing here used to do. but the problem is there being just a limited number of words in my head for every single day, so when i wrote some stuff for the project, talked to about 762779 people to assist them with their problems (does anybody in this world want anything else from me? yes, one [that i know of]) and managed to get through the minimum amount of daily conversation, my head is just empty. there is nothing left to put in here when i've got some time to sit down, relax and edit my diary.
many things fall apart right now, with people moving, people losing contact, people... changing... and when in such a phase the company you work at announces that because of substancial losses over the last two years, a cooperation with another huge company will be started to reduce administrative overhead and clean up the departments not directly related to patients (us), your head is spinning and your feet that lost ground long ago can't really compensate.
satisfaction. that's the feeling when...
i said it already but i'm in dire need of a leave, for some time off, off work, off routine, off pcs, off... people.
i'm about to ask some people i barely know whether they will go to ireland this year and whether they'll take me.
bravery.
strange.
charon