continous insanity
[dec 22 2002, 21:06]
i am weird, i know. yes, i really am but i can live with it. i can accept it. the fun thing about this is that you can notice new aspects of your insanity almost every day. yeeha!
today was a day like this. if you read my previous entries [lots of them concern this matter], you may have noticed that i had a lot of stuff to do. lots of people to work for, lots of jobs to finish. it was really hard for me at times but somehow it worked out. now, that holidays started, it's the exact opposite. take yesterday:
i woke up at ten, got up, ate something, took a shower, read a bit, watched tv a bit, surfed the net, read a bit more, watched some more tv, surfed some more, read some more mails. i just can't stand this unproductivity. well, it's not everything. that morning i had decided to visit my grandma which i did that afternoon. but that's it. that's all. that's one day in my life. 24 hours (or almost). 1440 minutes. 86400 seconds. roughly. used for - nothing. nothing at all (or rather, nothing productive, senseful or... whatever). it's not that every day has to be productive to make sense for me. i just feel so incredibly frightened of all the stuff that will follow the well-protected time at school. will i get a zivieldienststelle that i like? what will i do afterwards? study? then, what? and what for? will i get a job? not a 'job' job but a job?
i don't know. i just know one thing. that days like yesterday are not what my further life should look like. not really. not at all.
thanks
charon, unproductive
song of the day: moby - bodyrock
today was a day like this. if you read my previous entries [lots of them concern this matter], you may have noticed that i had a lot of stuff to do. lots of people to work for, lots of jobs to finish. it was really hard for me at times but somehow it worked out. now, that holidays started, it's the exact opposite. take yesterday:
i woke up at ten, got up, ate something, took a shower, read a bit, watched tv a bit, surfed the net, read a bit more, watched some more tv, surfed some more, read some more mails. i just can't stand this unproductivity. well, it's not everything. that morning i had decided to visit my grandma which i did that afternoon. but that's it. that's all. that's one day in my life. 24 hours (or almost). 1440 minutes. 86400 seconds. roughly. used for - nothing. nothing at all (or rather, nothing productive, senseful or... whatever). it's not that every day has to be productive to make sense for me. i just feel so incredibly frightened of all the stuff that will follow the well-protected time at school. will i get a zivieldienststelle that i like? what will i do afterwards? study? then, what? and what for? will i get a job? not a 'job' job but a job?
i don't know. i just know one thing. that days like yesterday are not what my further life should look like. not really. not at all.
thanks
charon, unproductive
song of the day: moby - bodyrock