pure nothingness
[dec 04 2002, 21:51]
this is a day like all the others - a day unlike all the others. no, this is no contradiction at all, at least not for me.
today, my mom asked me, whether i was discontented and the only thing i could say was 'yes'. after that i started thinking whether this is really true and, if it is, what i am so unhappy about.
until now, i have not really decided what it is, i have not spotted it exactly but i believe i know where to look for it.
take my usual day. let's start with the easy stuff - sleep. not lots of them but enough to remain sane (as far as it's possible). that means about six or maybe seven hours a day.
that leaves seventeen or eighteen hours of the day. what do i do then? well, except for eating something (almost daily, even) and doing all the usual stuff (that humans tend to do every now and then) we get to perhaps sixteen hours. sixteen damn hours every damn day. what do i spend them with?
well, one thing would be writing this diary but... well, that's only about ten minutes a day. sometimes more, sometimes less but always somewhere around that spot. that can't be it.
of course, there's school. but not school as you suppose now. my usual day in school looks like the following: attend one lesson, maybe two, of a subject. skip two/three/four/six/nineteen lessons because of some scholar activity (teachers asking for assistance in our aula, in our cs-room, on the toilet... err, something wrong there), attend another lesson (or two, again) of a mostly unimportant subject, get home. sometimes there's homework - not often - not much. other people might envy me but belive me, you shouldn't. when all your scholar education is based on you doing all your stuff alone (and that's not only because i miss classes regularly [not without an excuse, of course - 90% scholar activities]) getting up every morning to get to school gets a slightly sarcastic touch.
well, that leaves us with [calculate that on your own] hours left on a usual day. these are often filled by other activities, theater-groups, piano-lessons, internet-cafés etc. and of course, helping people. in my acquaintanceship there are meanwhile far more than ten people regularly asking me to come over because they have a problem (with their pc, that is - almost nobody would trust me with anything else) and i [*beatsself*] agree - of course. i don't know when, i don't know how but somehow i'll manage to come over. and it doesn't stop there.
there are even more people that continue asking me via e-mail. pc-problems, of course.
sometimes, i feel like that old man on top of a hill that is visited by the bunch of young people that ask him 'great master, please give us advice, there is nobody else to ask'... well, two problems occur in this comparison:
1.) there are other people to ask - lots of them. i know at least three people that know as much as i know - some of them lots more about specific subjects. but everybody keeps asking me because the other ones are sooo busy all the time.
2.) that guy on the hill is visited daily. that means once every day. that means he has a complete day to think about what he will tell people. or perhaps he doesn't think about this at all. perhaps he spends his day happily and at some time looks at his clock and notices that it's time. then he gets down on the rock, his people come, ask him a question, he quickly invents an answer, they leave and he can spend the rest of his day however he likes... *sigh*
yes, that's it what i'm discontented about. not that people ask me questions. i love being asked questions about subjects i know (*erm*, expecting my oral abitur full of horror) and i love being able to answer them, being able to help people solve their problems. but - two things (again):
1.) that does not mean that i'm only good at pc-things. there is a life outside these four walls with a roof and a floor that i know some things about. only some, yes, but that's expandable!
2.) two words can help... two little, tiny, completely unimportant, completely carelessly uttered words - thank you.
that's all for now, folks. more ranting tomorrow. if there's time...
charon
song of the day: vonda shepard - read your mind
today, my mom asked me, whether i was discontented and the only thing i could say was 'yes'. after that i started thinking whether this is really true and, if it is, what i am so unhappy about.
until now, i have not really decided what it is, i have not spotted it exactly but i believe i know where to look for it.
take my usual day. let's start with the easy stuff - sleep. not lots of them but enough to remain sane (as far as it's possible). that means about six or maybe seven hours a day.
that leaves seventeen or eighteen hours of the day. what do i do then? well, except for eating something (almost daily, even) and doing all the usual stuff (that humans tend to do every now and then) we get to perhaps sixteen hours. sixteen damn hours every damn day. what do i spend them with?
well, one thing would be writing this diary but... well, that's only about ten minutes a day. sometimes more, sometimes less but always somewhere around that spot. that can't be it.
of course, there's school. but not school as you suppose now. my usual day in school looks like the following: attend one lesson, maybe two, of a subject. skip two/three/four/six/nineteen lessons because of some scholar activity (teachers asking for assistance in our aula, in our cs-room, on the toilet... err, something wrong there), attend another lesson (or two, again) of a mostly unimportant subject, get home. sometimes there's homework - not often - not much. other people might envy me but belive me, you shouldn't. when all your scholar education is based on you doing all your stuff alone (and that's not only because i miss classes regularly [not without an excuse, of course - 90% scholar activities]) getting up every morning to get to school gets a slightly sarcastic touch.
well, that leaves us with [calculate that on your own] hours left on a usual day. these are often filled by other activities, theater-groups, piano-lessons, internet-cafés etc. and of course, helping people. in my acquaintanceship there are meanwhile far more than ten people regularly asking me to come over because they have a problem (with their pc, that is - almost nobody would trust me with anything else) and i [*beatsself*] agree - of course. i don't know when, i don't know how but somehow i'll manage to come over. and it doesn't stop there.
there are even more people that continue asking me via e-mail. pc-problems, of course.
sometimes, i feel like that old man on top of a hill that is visited by the bunch of young people that ask him 'great master, please give us advice, there is nobody else to ask'... well, two problems occur in this comparison:
1.) there are other people to ask - lots of them. i know at least three people that know as much as i know - some of them lots more about specific subjects. but everybody keeps asking me because the other ones are sooo busy all the time.
2.) that guy on the hill is visited daily. that means once every day. that means he has a complete day to think about what he will tell people. or perhaps he doesn't think about this at all. perhaps he spends his day happily and at some time looks at his clock and notices that it's time. then he gets down on the rock, his people come, ask him a question, he quickly invents an answer, they leave and he can spend the rest of his day however he likes... *sigh*
yes, that's it what i'm discontented about. not that people ask me questions. i love being asked questions about subjects i know (*erm*, expecting my oral abitur full of horror) and i love being able to answer them, being able to help people solve their problems. but - two things (again):
1.) that does not mean that i'm only good at pc-things. there is a life outside these four walls with a roof and a floor that i know some things about. only some, yes, but that's expandable!
2.) two words can help... two little, tiny, completely unimportant, completely carelessly uttered words - thank you.
that's all for now, folks. more ranting tomorrow. if there's time...
charon
song of the day: vonda shepard - read your mind