give me your heart
[nov 01 2002, 20:12]
you might wonder why you haven't heard of me, lately. or maybe, you don't wonder. however...
some people might think 'yeah, that guy's gonna tell me again how bad he feels and how much he has to do.. boooooring!' and those people would be wrong. yes, i still don't feel very well and, yes, i still have a hell of a lot to do but - i'm not going to tell you now. not this time. i'm going to tell you something about the most horrible feeling on the planet: apathy, indifference or any other word you may put in for this.
i suppose you know what i mean. you're sitting in your room, knowing exactly what you have to do. in your head, you even made a complete list, possibly even ordered the entries by their importance. you then set up your plan for today, tomorrow or the rest of the week and fill in your imaginary schedule. great. but when the week or the month has finished, you realize that you didn't even start to do - anything!
it it not that you are not motivated. or perhaps it's exactly that - you don't know, really.
but an even worse thing can happen to you in addition to that. that's exactly what i'm feeling at the moment. whatever happens to me or to other people doesn't seem to bother me at all. you could tell me now that i'm not going to pass by abitur simply because i'm too damn stupid - and i wouldn't care. you could tell me that i had cancer and about three more weeks to live - and i wouldn't care. sounds drastic, right, but that's the way it feels. nothing that is happening seems to be able to get through the shield that surrounds me which was created by... whatever. perhaps it has been too much up and down in the last time. or perhaps it has just been too much down - who knows.
just getting into my mind:
*sigh*, another of these depressive nights coming up, i suppose. but according to a test i recently made (see) i just have to be like that. although i don't really know why i am in the 'goth'-box, some things in this test really fit to me. that's like it, always. some of the stuff these tests tell you is true. some stuff may be in there that you didn't even think about but now, when you do think about it... it somehow all works out.
perhaps we are all that mystic, cosmic stardust that tries to escape the solid form and longs for being able to roam through the open space, without physical or psychological limitations. there are no borders, there are just frontiers. and i think, i've just crossed one.
charon
some people might think 'yeah, that guy's gonna tell me again how bad he feels and how much he has to do.. boooooring!' and those people would be wrong. yes, i still don't feel very well and, yes, i still have a hell of a lot to do but - i'm not going to tell you now. not this time. i'm going to tell you something about the most horrible feeling on the planet: apathy, indifference or any other word you may put in for this.
i suppose you know what i mean. you're sitting in your room, knowing exactly what you have to do. in your head, you even made a complete list, possibly even ordered the entries by their importance. you then set up your plan for today, tomorrow or the rest of the week and fill in your imaginary schedule. great. but when the week or the month has finished, you realize that you didn't even start to do - anything!
it it not that you are not motivated. or perhaps it's exactly that - you don't know, really.
but an even worse thing can happen to you in addition to that. that's exactly what i'm feeling at the moment. whatever happens to me or to other people doesn't seem to bother me at all. you could tell me now that i'm not going to pass by abitur simply because i'm too damn stupid - and i wouldn't care. you could tell me that i had cancer and about three more weeks to live - and i wouldn't care. sounds drastic, right, but that's the way it feels. nothing that is happening seems to be able to get through the shield that surrounds me which was created by... whatever. perhaps it has been too much up and down in the last time. or perhaps it has just been too much down - who knows.
just getting into my mind:
my retreat is uncovered
my disguise has fallen
i am standing in the crowd
naked except for my feelings
that don't seem to bother
that don't seem to touch anyone*sigh*, another of these depressive nights coming up, i suppose. but according to a test i recently made (see) i just have to be like that. although i don't really know why i am in the 'goth'-box, some things in this test really fit to me. that's like it, always. some of the stuff these tests tell you is true. some stuff may be in there that you didn't even think about but now, when you do think about it... it somehow all works out.
perhaps we are all that mystic, cosmic stardust that tries to escape the solid form and longs for being able to roam through the open space, without physical or psychological limitations. there are no borders, there are just frontiers. and i think, i've just crossed one.
charon