RE!
[oct 17 2002, 20:39]
i'm back. my little journey has ended. i met people that have become very special to me over the last four years and had a really relaxing time there.
'where's there', you may ask and you're right. i did not, as usual, post my current location in the diary, nor did i say anything about this journey. i was just gone for a week.
i was visiting good friends of ours in a small city near lüneburg. they have two small children that were really great fun. the rest of those weeks consisted mainly of reading some stuff, thinking about some stuff, ignoring some stuff (yes, i did sometimes read my e-mails but i only answered one or two of the 99 [in words ninety-nine]) and relaxed a lot. that was perhaps the preparation for the next week where so much stuff will have to be done that i'm almost scared to start at all. but, however, let's get to the other stuff.
i wrote my guestbook the way that i get always an e-mail when someone writes anything into it. i was really surprised by the number of entries in the last week (five over all, another number that should have been written in letters to underline it's strangeness) but i was even more surprised by the last entry.
i'm not going to tell everyone out there [in fact: you ;o)] the whole story. the following part is just directed to you [and you know that i mean you, don't you?]. anyone else may feel free to read it but this is just because that i know that if i open my e-mail-program now or pick up the phone i will have forgotten all the stuff that i thought about [or is the real reason that i'm just so damn stupidly sheepish when it gets to talking to people? perhaps...]. so i'll just keep on writing.
first, let me start by saying 'hello'. you're right, i didn't say more than perhaps a word to you since you've been back. in fact, the whole situation at the moment is one that i still have to understand [whatever that may mean].
When looking back at our friendship, i can hardly find any reason why we stopped communicating , visiting each other ... is there any ? Was there any ?
second question: definitely. first question: i don't know really. currently, i am noticing a real problem of the human brain - selective memory. in order to prevent anybody from going completely nuts, the brain sorts out lots of information and memories that have been marked as bad, unnerving etc. that is exactly what happened to me right now.
back then, when you left town, everything went so quickly - and i mean, really quickly. one day there was the rumour of you leaving and virtually the next day you were gone. that didn't leave much time for talking or sorting things out that perhaps would have needed to be sorted out long ago. in fact, i now remember no particular reason for us stopping to... well, stopping to communicate but i remember a whole bunch of bad feelings that somehow built up (or were built up) and that never really got resolved.
time is another aspect. if you stop talking in such a state that you don't really know what you're at, everything can only get worse - at least that's what i experienced with myself and many other people.
time also had another effect - priorities changed. as hard as it may sound, there were tons of important things going on, lots of things more important than... well, you. you can read about a lot of things in this diary but what you read here is only the top of the iceberg that may have broken your mental boat already ;o) there was just no space left in my mind (at least after some time) for thinking about people i ceased to meet, ceased to talk to, people that virtually ceased to exist for me. as i said, it may sound hard but the stupid human brain (maybe only my stupid human brain) works like that. [read harry potter? read about the... what was it called... i only remember the german name 'denkarium'. thoughts could just be put into something like a jar and then watched from time to time. a library of memories... i need that one]
this shall not mean that i purged you out of my thougts and out of my memories. there are, in fact, lots of things that i remember, lots of things i like to remember and lots of things i wish had never changed. but they have. should we care?
well, now i have something to really think about. i agree that we should talk about all that stuff - really.
hm, strange situation. i'm desperately looking for a good quote, a nice idea to finish this entry. just something to give you [everybody] the impression that i'm over these things, that i just wrote this post like any other. hm, obviously that does not work right now. then it'll have to be enough to finish this response to the small...
[anybody able to read musical notes has an advantage now, just like everyone having seen 'close encounter of the third kind' - my mind goes strange ways, i know]
... and sit here, staring at my screen, simply thinking...
charon
'where's there', you may ask and you're right. i did not, as usual, post my current location in the diary, nor did i say anything about this journey. i was just gone for a week.
i was visiting good friends of ours in a small city near lüneburg. they have two small children that were really great fun. the rest of those weeks consisted mainly of reading some stuff, thinking about some stuff, ignoring some stuff (yes, i did sometimes read my e-mails but i only answered one or two of the 99 [in words ninety-nine]) and relaxed a lot. that was perhaps the preparation for the next week where so much stuff will have to be done that i'm almost scared to start at all. but, however, let's get to the other stuff.
i wrote my guestbook the way that i get always an e-mail when someone writes anything into it. i was really surprised by the number of entries in the last week (five over all, another number that should have been written in letters to underline it's strangeness) but i was even more surprised by the last entry.
i'm not going to tell everyone out there [in fact: you ;o)] the whole story. the following part is just directed to you [and you know that i mean you, don't you?]. anyone else may feel free to read it but this is just because that i know that if i open my e-mail-program now or pick up the phone i will have forgotten all the stuff that i thought about [or is the real reason that i'm just so damn stupidly sheepish when it gets to talking to people? perhaps...]. so i'll just keep on writing.
first, let me start by saying 'hello'. you're right, i didn't say more than perhaps a word to you since you've been back. in fact, the whole situation at the moment is one that i still have to understand [whatever that may mean].
When looking back at our friendship, i can hardly find any reason why we stopped communicating , visiting each other ... is there any ? Was there any ?
second question: definitely. first question: i don't know really. currently, i am noticing a real problem of the human brain - selective memory. in order to prevent anybody from going completely nuts, the brain sorts out lots of information and memories that have been marked as bad, unnerving etc. that is exactly what happened to me right now.
back then, when you left town, everything went so quickly - and i mean, really quickly. one day there was the rumour of you leaving and virtually the next day you were gone. that didn't leave much time for talking or sorting things out that perhaps would have needed to be sorted out long ago. in fact, i now remember no particular reason for us stopping to... well, stopping to communicate but i remember a whole bunch of bad feelings that somehow built up (or were built up) and that never really got resolved.
time is another aspect. if you stop talking in such a state that you don't really know what you're at, everything can only get worse - at least that's what i experienced with myself and many other people.
time also had another effect - priorities changed. as hard as it may sound, there were tons of important things going on, lots of things more important than... well, you. you can read about a lot of things in this diary but what you read here is only the top of the iceberg that may have broken your mental boat already ;o) there was just no space left in my mind (at least after some time) for thinking about people i ceased to meet, ceased to talk to, people that virtually ceased to exist for me. as i said, it may sound hard but the stupid human brain (maybe only my stupid human brain) works like that. [read harry potter? read about the... what was it called... i only remember the german name 'denkarium'. thoughts could just be put into something like a jar and then watched from time to time. a library of memories... i need that one]
this shall not mean that i purged you out of my thougts and out of my memories. there are, in fact, lots of things that i remember, lots of things i like to remember and lots of things i wish had never changed. but they have. should we care?
well, now i have something to really think about. i agree that we should talk about all that stuff - really.
hm, strange situation. i'm desperately looking for a good quote, a nice idea to finish this entry. just something to give you [everybody] the impression that i'm over these things, that i just wrote this post like any other. hm, obviously that does not work right now. then it'll have to be enough to finish this response to the small...
[anybody able to read musical notes has an advantage now, just like everyone having seen 'close encounter of the third kind' - my mind goes strange ways, i know]
... and sit here, staring at my screen, simply thinking...
charon