phew
[sep 18 2002, 07:29]
got to write something... i know i've got to. the problem is that although all the thoughts i used to have, as well as all the feelings are still there - somehow, i'm not able to write them down.
i'm slowly getting myself under control again, i'm slowly calming down. my unspeakable sadness, my horrible anger, they just fade away and leave me sitting here with nothing left at all.
i was always most creative, most outgoing, in this diary as well as in my poems and images, when i was hurt, emotionally or physically (where the first occured a lot more often). but now? i get up every day, i have breakfast every day, i go into the bathroom every day, i dress, i get to school, i leave school, i do some stuff, i do some other stuff, i do something in the evening (almost every evening), i get home, i get to bed. exciting, isn't it? really thrilling!
so, what should i write about, then? i could talk to you about all those nerdish little things that keep me alive at the moment, about all these little successes and defeats that i'm faced with. i could tell you that i started forgetting a lot of stuff - on purpose. sometimes when you distract yourself from things they move out of your focus, even when they dominated your thoughts and dreams for weeks, months or even years. they just get away, unnoticed, and hide in some dark corner of your brain, knowing that one day, in one phase of recollection, they will be allowed to come out again, louder than before, stronger than before, more intense. they sneak at you from behind and then hit you with a baseball bat! and you fall down, with your last thought: why didn't i cope with that before?
charon
i'm slowly getting myself under control again, i'm slowly calming down. my unspeakable sadness, my horrible anger, they just fade away and leave me sitting here with nothing left at all.
i was always most creative, most outgoing, in this diary as well as in my poems and images, when i was hurt, emotionally or physically (where the first occured a lot more often). but now? i get up every day, i have breakfast every day, i go into the bathroom every day, i dress, i get to school, i leave school, i do some stuff, i do some other stuff, i do something in the evening (almost every evening), i get home, i get to bed. exciting, isn't it? really thrilling!
so, what should i write about, then? i could talk to you about all those nerdish little things that keep me alive at the moment, about all these little successes and defeats that i'm faced with. i could tell you that i started forgetting a lot of stuff - on purpose. sometimes when you distract yourself from things they move out of your focus, even when they dominated your thoughts and dreams for weeks, months or even years. they just get away, unnoticed, and hide in some dark corner of your brain, knowing that one day, in one phase of recollection, they will be allowed to come out again, louder than before, stronger than before, more intense. they sneak at you from behind and then hit you with a baseball bat! and you fall down, with your last thought: why didn't i cope with that before?
charon