soon
[sep 02 2002, 22:56]
gotta go to bed soon, incredibly tired and annoyed ;o)
just don't want to go without having written that off my mind. i just thought, why can't everything be like it used to be. of course, there are a lot of great things about my life today. so many people trust me so well, that they tell me their most private thoughts. i can deal with a lot of problems better than i ever could. i have a lot more close friends than i used to have.
but still...
somehow i have got the feeling that i have become much more grave, a lot more serious. of course you have, some would say, you just got older and it's the weight of age... but why? why can't at least a part of my life remain the same?
i just got into one of my 'let's look at a lot of old stuff'-mood again and watched some of the stuff that i sent to [insert appropriate (female, you guessed it already) name here], some of the poems i wrote to her, some of the long talks we had. i never got that close to another female human being again.
or take another example - my first girlfriend (perhaps you're reading this now and wondering if i'm talking about you - yes, i am) and i had such a lot of fun together, wherever we were. now i catch myself more and more often sitting around wondering what all that stuff is about. is it the meaning of life to sit in a corner deliberately trying to find out what the next step will be until you are perhaps shot down by a stranger you have never met before (listening to p.o.d - youth of the nation right now, sorry)? or, if not that, simply dying old and grey wondering what all those decades were about?
somewhen before i wrote about a midlife-crisis. when i looked at the chat-logs, i found that [insert the same name here] and i created the term 'quaterlife-crisis'. it was more than appropriate. we both had that kind of feeling quite often and had someone to talk to about that. another thing that has changed...
and then, of course, the last defeat. why did it have to change (why did i have to change? why did she)? why weren't we able to stick to the nightly phone-calls that left me lying in bed sighing and thinking that my life has finally turned towards the right side.
oh my god, where the wild roses grow by nick cave and kylie minogue... meanwhile i suppose i have to hate that song. so many positive memories are connected with it and yet it is so incredibly sad.
but perhaps that's the way everything is. the positive option, the 'right way' feels simply bad, sounds bad or turns out to be bad in the end. the bad option, the 'bad idea' turns out to be the decision one should have made.
good and evil at the same time, just like black and white, light and darkness, hate and... hm, what was the other word?
charon
just don't want to go without having written that off my mind. i just thought, why can't everything be like it used to be. of course, there are a lot of great things about my life today. so many people trust me so well, that they tell me their most private thoughts. i can deal with a lot of problems better than i ever could. i have a lot more close friends than i used to have.
but still...
somehow i have got the feeling that i have become much more grave, a lot more serious. of course you have, some would say, you just got older and it's the weight of age... but why? why can't at least a part of my life remain the same?
i just got into one of my 'let's look at a lot of old stuff'-mood again and watched some of the stuff that i sent to [insert appropriate (female, you guessed it already) name here], some of the poems i wrote to her, some of the long talks we had. i never got that close to another female human being again.
or take another example - my first girlfriend (perhaps you're reading this now and wondering if i'm talking about you - yes, i am) and i had such a lot of fun together, wherever we were. now i catch myself more and more often sitting around wondering what all that stuff is about. is it the meaning of life to sit in a corner deliberately trying to find out what the next step will be until you are perhaps shot down by a stranger you have never met before (listening to p.o.d - youth of the nation right now, sorry)? or, if not that, simply dying old and grey wondering what all those decades were about?
somewhen before i wrote about a midlife-crisis. when i looked at the chat-logs, i found that [insert the same name here] and i created the term 'quaterlife-crisis'. it was more than appropriate. we both had that kind of feeling quite often and had someone to talk to about that. another thing that has changed...
and then, of course, the last defeat. why did it have to change (why did i have to change? why did she)? why weren't we able to stick to the nightly phone-calls that left me lying in bed sighing and thinking that my life has finally turned towards the right side.
oh my god, where the wild roses grow by nick cave and kylie minogue... meanwhile i suppose i have to hate that song. so many positive memories are connected with it and yet it is so incredibly sad.
but perhaps that's the way everything is. the positive option, the 'right way' feels simply bad, sounds bad or turns out to be bad in the end. the bad option, the 'bad idea' turns out to be the decision one should have made.
good and evil at the same time, just like black and white, light and darkness, hate and... hm, what was the other word?
charon